|Thank Goodness for Draco Malfoy (R/T, implied R/S) PG
||[Apr. 10th, 2006|07:39 pm]
Hundred Ways Remus Broke Up With Tonks
Title: Thank Goodness for Draco Malfoy|
Pairings: Remus/Tonks with mentions of Sirius/Remus, Harry/Ginny, Ginny/Cho and momentary Remus/Oliver Wood.
Summary: When it comes to trying to break up with Nymphadora Tonks Remus just can't seem to get his message across.
Warning: Unashamed crack!fic
Thank goodness for Draco Malfoy.
It wasn’t a sentiment that Remus Lupin had ever, even in his wildest speculations, expected to enter his mind, yet there it was; a shining beam of gratitude that offset his anger that the boy had managed to escape a spell in Azkaban. Draco didn’t know this, of course, but then that was rather the point.
He’d tried to think of another way to end things with Nymphadora, he really had, but it seemed that every attempt to brooch the subject of his misgivings about their impending nuptials had been abruptly brushed aside, every hint that they were romantically unsuited on a rather fundamental level, studiously ignored. And it wasn’t as if all of the hints in question had been completely subtle either. When he’d told her that he didn’t believe in sex prior to marriage, he had assumed that she’d catch on. She didn’t. He’d thought that leaving copies of Warlocks Revealed in conspicuous locations about his little flat might be the first step in letting her down gently, but she’d merely commented that two of her ex-boyfriends had been interested in portrait photography too. This having failed to sew the desired seeds of doubt in her mind, he took to making comments about how many wizards felt pressured into relationships with witches when they were really interested in other wizards. Her response: ‘I bet you’re glad that you’re not one of them’. Getting a photograph of himself at the Dragon’ s Den in that article on nightlife aimed at the gay magical community that the Prophet had ran in the entertainment section a few week’s ago hadn’t worked either. Though Molly Weasley had commented darkly that a respectable wizard like Remus might ‘give people the wrong impression’ if he insisted on ‘drinking in disreputable places like that’. It was clear that the matriarch of the Weasley clan still hadn’t quite come to terms with the fact that Ginny had ditched approved future son in law Harry and moved in with Cho Chang.
When all else had failed he’d asked himself what Sirius would have wanted him to do. The answer had been quite clear. Stop skirting around the bloody issue and just come out and damn well say it. So he had. In front of half the residents of Diagon Alley.
He and Nymphadora had been having lunch with Molly and Arthur at the Leaky Cauldron. Molly was, as per usual, avidly planning the wedding on their behalf, while Nymphadora nodded and smiled and made all the right noises and he tried his level best to affect an air of amicable indifference. When subject of conversation had turned to the names of their future offspring however, he’d snapped. The idea of having children with her was unsettling enough, but the thought of naming them after members of the Weird Sisters had been just too much.
“FOR GODS SAKE YOU THREE, THERE AREN’T GOING TO BE ANY CHILDREN, OR ANY WEDDINGS FOR THAT MATTER. IT’S CLEARLY ESCAPED YOUR COLLECTIVE NOTICE, BUT THE FACT IS THAT I’M ACTUALLY FLAMINGLY GAY.”
He hadn’t quite intended to shout, or for that matter to jump out of his seat; and he certainly hadn’t intended to punctuate the point by grabbing hold of a nearby Oliver Wood and enthusiastically kissing him as the rest of the pub’s occupants looked on in stunned silence. But he had hoped that it might finally get the point across. The stunned look on Nymphadora’s face had given him a brief flash of hope, but alas, the unstoppable jugganaught of denial that was Molly Weasley intervened.
“Arthur, you need to call St. Mungo’s immediately, he’s clearly been hexed. Don’t worry Nymphadora dear, I’m sure the healers will be able to help him.”
At that he’d felt there was only one course of action left.
Run for it.
So he had.
Unfortunately, the problem with running was that you eventually needed to stop; and he’d eventually come to a halt outside a downmarket poisons dispensary in Knockturn Alley. He needed to find a way to disappear. To slip out of view until Nymphadora had found somebody else and Molly Weasley had discovered another outlet for her frustrated life-organising skills.
When a hunted looking Draco Malfoy had emerged from within the sleazy little shop and walked straight into him he’d known that an opportunity was staring him in the face.
He’d never liked the idea of memory charms being performed for non-essential reasons, but in this case he felt than an exception was justified. After all, he hadn’t quite forgotten the boy’s role in Dumbledore’s demise.
Afterwards he’d dispatched a hastily written explanation to Harry via the Muggle postal service before heading straight to Gatwick Airport
It had taken him five days and four continents before he’d plucked up the courage to acquire copies of the English magical newspapers for the day after he’d absconded. For the first time in their respective histories the Daily Prophet and Quibbler featured the same headline: Man Devoured By Pack Of Rabid Nifflers: Ex-Death Eater Only Witness. In the Prophet two pictures accompanied the story. One of a traumatised Draco Malfoy swallowing a vial of Veritaserum, in front of several serious looking Ministry officials and one of a haggard looking Remus, taken at his engagement party. The article in the Quibbler had only one picture attached; it was a snapshot of him and Sirius taken about a month before Sirius’s death. Remus had carefully cut it out and placed it neatly inside one of the pockets in his new suitcase. He just wondered how long it would be before Lovegood started to report that he’d been spotted living amongst a herd of Crumpled Horned Snorkacks with Father Christmas, Elvis and a group of goblin/centaur hybrids.